Delving into my experience as a Bicycle Mechanic

 When I first attended Winterborne my goal was to immediately open my own Velofix franchise, to the extent, I was looking over the franchise agreement and considering financial backing. I was dissuaded quite early on after a bit of independent investigation and debates with people in the industry so I applied for a position at Freewheel Cycle. I was about to learn just how much I didn't know about bikes, which was a lot. They teach you the basics at Winterborne, I saw that, as I had been working on bikes since I was a kid, but the course gives you the solid base required to succeed. I hadn't touched a bike in a professional manner in my life. What an awakening that was. But I learned everything I needed to know along with the confidence required to help me move forward into a more prominent role in another shop and which is why I made the tentative move to Pieriks Cycle. In terms of proficiency and wrench skills I have worked on everything from your 50yo basement find clunker to your 10k Di2 to your modern e-bike, they are all bikes, but that's where the similarity ends, each require their own unique set of skills to repair each, and this I am confident in my skill set. As you know these last 2 years have been difficult getting parts so repairing things became the only option in most cases. I can bleed any brake from any era but typically a 20yo Hayes that has no operation and the telltale corrosion from DOT fluid evident calls for immediate replacement, but I found myself with no options but to disassemble the brake completely and rebuild it. Surprisingly, I found success in this more times than not. I am proficient in all drive train systems, and their bottom bracket assemblies, I’ve rebuilt headsets and replaced all manner of wheel bearing ball or sealed. Being right next to a bike lane and offering free air I found myself gaining the proficiency of a F1 pit mechanic when it came to flat fixes on the spot. I enjoy the bustle of a modern shop and I miss this from Freewheel where I began. There we used Lightspeed and ended up with Ascend, both of which I’m quite comfortable using. I learned wheel-building at Winterborne but I’m far from being a master wheel builder, I do however replace spokes and can true wheels with ease and precision. Wheel building is something I hope to hone in the future, but it is an animal all in its self as far a skill set goes. I have worn many hats in large corporations and one edict that I still try to follow is, continuous improvement, I do my own research and attempt a new skill in the offseason, last off-season I had planned on taking the Professional wheel-building course but due to Covid this was impossible so I learned to become proficient in shock and air can service, diving in and learning lower service as well as full rebuild and seal and oil replacement, it was a fun and fruitful endeavour as we now were able to service these items without the S4 wait and cost. Tubeless setup has become very prominent and I have done countless tubeless setups not only on customer bikes both mountain and road, but also my own bicycles. When it comes to customers I try to give them the most information they require for them to have a great experience without overwhelming them with too much technical jargon. How many times are miss-shifts simply a bent hanger and a conversation about bike storage and dropping it? I invested a lot of money into my own tools and found I was using them more often than not as the owner of Pieriks didn’t see the value in expensive precision tools; I even used my own tap set for repairs. I am looking for an experience where an investment has been made not only in a POS but the tools required to do a job beyond the expectations of the customer. I don’t think where I was there was a value seen in the skills that I honed over the last 4 years and I hope to make a move to a shop that recognizes that it takes money to make money and that respect goes a long way in this industry.

Stuff

 Continuously fighting an uphill battle is really beginning to wear on my resolve and psyche. I don't know why I insist on holding on, when the hand I wish to hold has gone cold and vacant. I keep asking myself why, but the answers never come to me....let go....I tell myself...but I can't. I refuse to....The worst part of all of this is that we were planning things. I could see a future with you and I guess I got caught up in it....but so did you...and your backpedaling really leaves me confused with very little information to go on. I just don't understand what went so horribly wrong that afternoon that you felt you needed to run. I left there happy and excited for the weekend. I thought you were happy too....you told me you were....one last kiss...one last hug...when I got home the dynamic had changed a bit....you voiced concern...but I just thought it was a blip on the radar....communication waned...I was getting worried....then came your message on Friday morning.......I had just gotten settled into work...the department co-ordinator walked in....you sent me a message....I quickly read it....key words....'trying to find the words'....'wanted to try and get over it'.....'scared me'....'too quickly'....'I'm sorry'....reeling and confused I have to muster every ounce of strength to not burst into tears....my colleague spoke to me for roughly 20 minutes....I still don't know what he told me....my mind was trying to process...it's still processing even now....

'I'm so glad you contacted me,' you exclaimed...more than once...in fact, multiple times....but you didn't realize that a fire burned inside of me...unbeknownst to me you were compiling a list of faults...'what are you thinking?'....'I'm just looking '....did my physical imperfections become so daunting that you could not allow yourself to lose control? It hurts my heart that you ran away so easily when we had enough smoldering heat to ignite a raging inferno. Commonalities, chemistry, communication...we had all the building blocks of success......but you got scared...feared for my feelings....even though I was just alluding to the future when I shared with you that I was going to fall hard for you, and to be prepared. When you let yourself go I could see the hunger inside of you, the passion, and the thirst. But you chose to run for your life. I feel like I want to pursue you but I fear I'd just be chasing the wind. You have already made up your mind and shared that you, 'can't change the way you feel'....but is this forever?....or are you battling something within your head and heart?.....Do you remember our first kiss?....'Can I give you a kiss?'....'yes'....those soft glistening lips...those big beautiful chestnut brown eyes...sparkling in the amber parking lot lights...electric....'Yes'....that felt amazing...I felt like I was home in your arms. I felt like I was looking into my future when I gazed into your eyes...intense. Losing myself in an embrace...'where am I?'...but you chose to run....scared....so confused....how do I move on from this?....it feels more uncertain than final...

In a previous blog I alluded to my frustration at finding the 'one', it took me approximately 6 months to find someone with whom I shared a mutual connection. 6 months....I can tell you in that time I was out with many different women from all over the area. But this time I felt like I had finally found the diamond in the rough that I had been seeking for so long. I am as close to happiness as I have ever been. I was excited at the prospect of beginning my life....I feel like I have been running in circles for so long and then I found myself wanting nothing more than to run to you. I still think about so many things we talked about and the excitement of doing things together. Smiles, hugs, kiss and just knowing someone who cared about me was there. Now I have nothing...I wonder if you think about me, if you miss me like I miss you....if you long for my touch or a kiss.

....I could alleviate your fears...

I could wipe away your tears...

I could hold you so tight,

that the world would slip away....

And I would ensure your happiness each,

and every day.....

I woke up at 3am....on the dot...as I always do; I reached for my phone, if just to see your face. But...you are gone....again...deleted me without explanation.....I can only imagine that I was pressuring you too much to see me. When you re-added me....I was very excited....I thought...maybe this can have a chance...we spoke once...it felt natural and I really felt like you were thinking things over...processing...this past week, I felt at times I was breaking down your barrier and you were opening up at times to me....but other times you were cold and distant...I could sense it...feeling like I was doing something wrong when just asking about your day or greeting you a good morning, or just saying good night....I guess it was wearing on you much more than I had anticipated...if I had known there was the potential for you to delete me from your life again, perhaps I would have played my cards differently....in our conversation I really did avoid asking you questions that would make you feel uncomfortable or push you away. I guess I should have done the same on BBM. The question that begs to be asked is......why?...are you just not ready?.....is there someone else?....I've tried so hard with you, Ali....but only because it was all there...and at a time...reciprocal....but now you are on the run again...running from me....I keep wondering what you are holding back...and I keep asking myself why I want it so badly. You are like a drug to me...I'm addicted...I just want to kiss you again...hold you...but I guess you don't want me anymore...like I said on the phone....I don’t feel hurt more than I feel confusion...confused as to why you would throw this away....The morning after we spoke on the phone you sent me a message asking if you could read the other things I had written. Right away I thought that was a good sign but I was also fearful....we communicated very well that day....I wanted to talk on the phone that night...but you shut me down...I was a bit confused but I believe your explanations even if they aren’t detailed...I trust you, fully...I trust that you are genuinely thinking things over...so when you told me you wanted to see more of my writing my first feeling was fear....fear, because it was my feelings that ultimately drove you away the first time. Now you wanted to hear them?...it confused me a bit...but in a good way because I thought you were trying to move forward....together...then my feelings got the best of me again....but I allowed them to....I'm sorry....again...I have to express myself Ali....I guess I didn’t consider my audience...but here I am...at 3:52 in the morning rattling off useless feelings and thoughts...to nobody...so now what?....I guess you will reply to my message...whenever you get it...and then tell me that this is not for you, and good luck in my search...is this the form letter?....I have heard all of this in the past...but rightly so...for a host of reasons...but this time.....it was different....sooooo different....

When I read this manifesto of feelings and emotions, I feel like I’m riding a roller coaster....never knowing when it is going to crash and burn...I really wish I knew what you were battling...if it is just us or there are other issues that have presented themselves...I at times felt you weren’t yourself...or at least not the 'self' that I had met and spent time with....fun, excited, happy for the future....there have been times I felt like you were conflicted in other aspects of your life...but I couldn't put a finger on it....you let me in on very little of your life this past week....I've been trying to walk on eggshells, but it turns out I couldn't even do that right....you cannot deny our chemistry...and that alone was enough for me...it was just a bonus that you turned out to be beautiful, intelligent, engaging, charismatic, funny, warm....holding your hands at Tin Cup, I could feel the energy between us...there was no denying it...I thirst for that again...I miss you, Ali…

Chemistry Class

Have you ever felt like you were on the precipice of greatness? There is this sickening of the heart that seems to accompany this feeling when you are rewarded with a glimpse into your future. Some are frightened by it, and then there are those who embrace it. I feel like I have a 6^th sense when it comes to detecting disturbances in the natural progression of my relationship life. I am very sensitive, an open book, so to speak, and I love communication. I know I am ready and able to pursue happiness with another. I don’t consider myself desperate but it feels terrible to be alone when you know in your heart that you have so much to share and love to give.

So what do you do when the relationship is moving too fast? Do you step back and re-evaluate, which can often end up skewing your judgment when you over-analyze things; or do you continue at a seemingly unnatural pace and let the cards fall where they may. Sometimes things are just not worth fighting for, but when your heart skips a beat at the first sight of someone, and their touch produces a tingling that envelopes your entire body…then, in my opinion…you pursue it…relentlessly…

Chemistry is very rare….so it seems…throwing it away too hastily could prove to be a huge error in judgment, when really, all that was needed was a little bit of communication to evaluate the direction, intensity and overall comfort level. My feelings often leave me with a sense of being overwhelmed, sometimes I feel like I feel too much. But I guess I don’t know any other way…I follow my heart. 

Dating is tough…especially online…I often hear how unnatural it is, and to an extent I agree. We come from a generation of face to face talks and handshakes. We have evolved into a digital age where we find ourselves attracted to a pixelated image of the opposite sex, and often times base our feelings on a false illusion of another. That first meeting either removes all doubt or completely shuts down any chance of further communication. I guess I have seen both sides of this anomaly. Often times it is quite painful when one party feels differently and you have built up your expectations so greatly that there is really no choice but to collapse. 

I have many flaws, I know…..physical ones even…I do not have perfect teeth (I hold 3 martial arts belts from my younger days and sometimes you get kicked in the mouth)…and I’m sure there are many others…..but I don’t feel my judgment or heart is flawed in any way. It is the only thing that remains honest and true.

Midas

We do brakes..... So ironic....Because just bubbling beneath the surface I could see that sensual, open, playful, heart-skipping-a-beat...Lynne...not revealed to me, in essence...but, it was there....I saw it...I was looking forward to feeling your upbeat 'tigger' alter-ego, jump all over me at 7am in an excited attempt to share and praise the morning, with me...though all it would have took was that beaming smile....radiant charm...I'll never know...

Sitting in the car...7:05pm..Nervous...concerned about my breath, am I sweating too much?....is she going to notice I resemble a jack-o-lantern? Do I look 50? ....the build-up brought me to this place.....brought US to this place...2 week’s worth of something that has eluded me for such a long time....this was the full package....I already knew...and then something changed, with you...I didn't realize it at first because I remained very hopeful of what had so far transpired. 'I'm not nervous at all'....came the text...the dynamic had changed...the spark was gone...I just didn't know it yet....why did you have to second guess yourself and your feelings? you retreated inside of your brain to battle your insecurities...took yourself out of the moment and killed any potential chemistry....just one kiss, that's all I needed...I'm sorry

This was actually the second time communication had occurred between us...it was agreed the first time that the 35 km of distance was just too much...but wow...she was stunning, beautiful...time past...'meetings' ...occurred...that pursuit towards the total  package continued to occur, but...nothing...3rd time the charm?...those eyes....my BBM GF had excised me from her life...KMN

Things I learnt, this time around, but should already have known....

Chemistry sucks, especially with only a half completed equation....

You only get 3 seconds...this is what I'm told...I fell for her long before that...she never even knew it...

Singing Hedley...acapella...badly.... will not get you the girl...

Give a girl a pedometer...she is sure to walk away...every time...

No matter how strong your feelings are...they are all for naught if it is not reciprocal...

I can write all the blogs I want and send all the heartfelt messages I want...it won't change her heart....or make her think about what she is passing by...

Things I noticed, that don't matter now, I guess..

Deep purple cotton shirt with a plunging neckline, black light cotton ribbed sweater, white silk scarf with red and blue print, dark blue jeans, very tight and hot...black knee high boots...deep chocolate brown eyes that sparkle when you laugh, long slender well-manicured fingers, kissable lips, a beautiful voice that melted my heart...

When she hugged me, I felt like I was struck by lightning....

When she looked at me, I could feel it in my toes...

Sexiest bellybutton...ever...

Things that I'll miss..And regret won't happen again...or at all

Scrabble...still waiting for my rematch...

Hearing your voice...

Our daily BBM interactions, that slowly took over our lives...

Dreaming of a future with you, and looking forward to changes...

Missing sleep to talk on the phone with you...

Smiling at my phone...

Not getting a chance to kiss you...

Being able to call you a pet name...

Holding your hand and kissing your forehead...

Running my hands down your waist and kissing you deeply...

Sometimes I feel like I build up my expectations and anticipation so much that there is no other alternative than to fail...I felt really differently this time, as if everything had finally fallen into place. Maybe the third time will be the charm. Different places and times can mix up the norm and allow for new chemistry to occur. I got to get through this day somehow....

Inspired ACTION

Inspiration comes in many forms. To feel inspired renews one in a way that can only lead to positive changes and a renewed outlook on life. A fresh start often gives us the hope we need to step into an abyss where often every road can lead to pain, conflict and ultimately failure to the realization of a long lost dream. Recently I realized that to be truly happy in this life I must relentlessly pursue a long lost dream, something that has eluded me, but has always been at the back of my mind, policing. 

Late last year I had the unique opportunity to meet Sergeant Jay Turner of the Hamilton Police Service, he is just one of the many proud and unwavering front line police officers in the fair city of Hamilton, Ontario. He heads up Action Team 4, just one of 5 teams in the Hamilton downtown core who patrol the city on bicycles and foot. Their purpose is to engage and interact with citizens who would otherwise have no avenue to speaking with and voicing real concerns in fledgling communities within the inner city. They quell crime and address trends within these communities. Their success can easily be seen in monthly crime statistics in these troublesome areas of the city. I must confess I looked up to Jay long before I ever met him, he is the epitome of respect within a battleground of negativity and can often be found on Twitter fielding questions and concerns from citizens and leaders within the city and beyond. It doesn't matter if he has answered the question infinite times before; his dedication to his followers is really unprecedented within a service that often can be deemed secretive and paramilitary in nature. It is quite refreshing to see the human aspect of policing in his daily tweets. I for one appreciate his candor and sense of humour and often feel cheated when I miss a day of his interactions. When I met Jay I had the opportunity ride back into the core with him and speak one-on-one. We spoke of policing and just life in general, while we rode you could easily see the respect he garnered within the community, waves and gestures from the sidewalk ilk and while we rode side by side not one car honked in anger as we took up the curb lane on busy Main street West. It will be a day that I will never forget and really took me back to the days of my college education where I had the opportunity to complete 100 hours of ride along with the Hamilton Police Service. These days my reasons for pursuing a career in policing are much different than when I was much younger. I have lived a lot of life since then; I have worn many different hats, experienced loss, insurmountable negativity and a long painful road back to happiness and understanding. Often times it takes awhile to realize our place and calling in life; I guess I have been standing on the sidelines waiting for my shot in the game. I genuinely feel that I can make a difference in Hamilton, a listening ear, and a firm hand to squash the ire of negativity within our community. 

This October I will have the opportunity to attend Citizen’s Police College, an information course conducted by the Hamilton Police Service to provide valuable information with regards to the inner workings and departments within the service. It has been years since I have been in school so it should be quite interesting to experience and learn just what is new and ultimately come away with a better understanding of my goal. This past year I have been preparing myself physically and mentally for what is certain to be a very arduous and competitive process. My goal is to begin the application procedure in the spring or early summer of 2013. I have much to attain before I can begin; for one I must start volunteering, something I have never really done for the long term and finding the time for this will be a challenge in itself but it’s really just a case of better time management on my part. Where I will volunteer is another issue. Teens really seem to respond to me in a positive way and I hope to find a place within an outreach center or group home. I want to learn a second language, the Italian culture has always been of interest to me so I hope to get started in a course to learn the language and show my commitment to ongoing betterment and education. I really hope to avoid overwhelming myself as I do not have a huge support system so most of what I will accomplish in the next year will take a commitment from within. I know it’s going to be difficult but if I truly believe in myself and my capabilities I know I can achieve a goal that has thus far eluded me my entire life. 

I would just like to thank Jay for his inspiration, and even though I know he will accept zero credit for it he should realize just how many lives he touches on a daily basis within the community, whether he wishes to acknowledge it or not. 

The Battlefield of Online Dating

'Once more unto the breach’ - I love this quote...it really sums up my newest foray into the world of online dating. After taking a self-imposed 2 year hiatus from the dating and relationship game, I decided it was time to take a chance again. Coming back from heartbreak is a long journey back. First I had to attempt to trust once again, to love myself. I had been cheated on in the past but I thought it would 'never happen to me,' not again....but it did and I was pretty devastated by the outcome. My resolve was decimated...I hated myself...I blamed myself for being so stupid...again. If you have ever read my blog or poetry you would see that I have, for the most part always led with my heart. I felt that thinking too much about love often resulted in skewed or misleading thoughts. The problem is...the heart, while true, can trick you into believing a falsity about someone else and clouding what may be a huge error in judgment. I guess we have all been fooled from time to time, but I had given all of myself to this particular person, and I was betrayed, in every way possible. I have taken advantage of the online dating scene in the past, but with little success...I have come away with a few genuine 'friendships' but nothing ever long-lasting in the relationship department.

I have been on a very well known dating site for just over a week now and have received a great amount of interest...probably more interest than I deserve...and I really try to get back to everyone that takes the time to read my profile and comment on my dating outlook and viewpoints. I have been out on 4 dates in this timeframe....of these women I felt a genuine connection with at least two of them...but for whatever reason they just did not feel the same about me...why?....well we would all love to know the answer to the question, 'why'....I guess the chemistry was not there....common goals were differing or non-existent...they may have been interested in someone else and just wanted to be sure...not attracted to me physically or mentally....no spark...these roadblocks are all part of the letdown I have been feeling for the last week. Resulting in utter confusion with a dash of heartbreak, since I really felt something could happen; and just general bewilderment at how difficult this whole dating thing was proving to be. I have so far likened my approach to dating as that mentally challenged kid in kindergarten who tries and tries again to fit that square peg into the round hole...if you step back you can actually see the misfit in me....I guess I am out of it, the dating scene has changed and I have also been dating more age appropriate women...the 40 plus crowd is really something...by this stage in life you have probably experienced much more of life and have seen behind 'the wizard's curtain,' so to speak..They have seen all the games and posturing and really just want to find that 'one'...but at the same time they are overly suspicious of intent.

These days first dates seem more like job interviews than a meeting to break the ice and discover chemistry and the possibility of a future relationship. I know I am not perfect, far from it...I have my flaws...I guess we all do...this past year I have really been taking care of myself physically, not to mention mentally..I am not looking for someone to transform my life...I am looking for someone to compliment my life...I am looking for someone who can understand and forgive my past and who looks to the future as a way to let go of all of the negative aspects and create something new and exciting....I will support them relentlessly in their endeavors..I will do my best to make everyday a great day...to smile through the raindrops...provide togetherness in the darkness....share myself in every way possible....be the best possible version of myself….communicate my innermost feelings….respect others opinions….and most importantly….love wholeheartedly….

Am I being too picky? Are they being too picky? Am I better off alone? Do I reveal too much, too soon? Am I destined to be alone? These questions keep me up at night….whenever I try and talk to people about these issues I usually get the response, ‘there is someone out there for everyone.’ What if this is not the case. I learned from watching my parents that relationships take a lot of hard work. The glue of understanding, trust, respect and communication are the most important building blocks in virtually every relationship we will ever be in. Online dating can be compared to a Las Vegas buffet. Too many great choices, so what happens is we end up circling the buffet table unable to come to a decision. I really try and trust my instincts, draw on past experience, and leave myself open to new possibilities….but I do know what I want in a prospective mate at the end of the day. I want someone who is relentless in their pursuit of understanding of this screwed up world. Someone who looks beyond what is standing right in front of them, someone who seeks truth and justice. Someone who will not fold and run at the first whiff of trouble or conflict and will work towards a common understanding; even if they do not agree with all of my viewpoints on life. Relationships are all about compromise, it is never, my way or the highway, it is two acting as one. I feel like there are too many choices on dating web sites, on at least two of my dates I felt like I was competing with someone else. I felt like they had already made a decision on our future, or lack thereof, even before they got a chance to really get to know me. I have sort of felt helpless wielding a gun with no ammunition, on a battlefield of love.

So where do I go from here? My options are limited, I do not do the bar scene, I do not work with any females, not that I would date anyone I work with; and most of my friends are married or have moved away. I am far from desperate, but at the same time I feel ready. That is the most frustrating part. I am ready, but I am unable to find….her. I am prepared to be amazed. I am prepared to face the challenges of a relationship head on, I am not one to quit or admit defeat but my frustration is building. I guess you can’t force someone to feel, I just feel that given so many choices so many avenues to meet people the work and dedication needed for success seems to have fallen by the wayside. We want the easiest route without any conflict. Most of us have GPS in our vehicles as a way to avoid traffic backups and to take the fastest possible route to our destination; but along the way we miss out on a lot of interesting little towns with unlimited character and charm. We live in a single serve throw away world where we often forget to stop and smell the roses and take the time to absorb the wonderful world around us bursting with colour and opportunity. We are constantly distracted by the next best thing; when the best choice for ourselves may have been sitting right in front of us the whole time. Good luck in your search…