Healing

I think I came to a realization today; that the greatest treasures in this lifetime be them tangible or not, are the ones that seem to always remain just out of your grasp. I’m not talking about the hot car or the big house or the latest plasma screen television. I am talking about the dreams that we lock up and hide away because we might be too scared or embarrassed at what people might think or say. You know, encouraging words like impossible, or crazy, fruitless, or futile. All of them negative but many of the reactions could be called realistic since our dreams and desires tend to be way out there in terms of what may be plausible in our life at the time. I recently read “The Secret” I don’t know if you are familiar with it but essentially it says that if you become a beacon for positive energy then you can attain anything in your life. You must expunge every shred of negativity from your life and remain positive and confident in what you want. Apparently since we are all basically beacons of electrical energy, and can tune into the universe; everything that you could ever wish for will ultimately come to fruition. I guess it sounds like a bunch of hogwash when you really think about it. But if you look past the magical aspect of the secret you will find that commonsense will you tell you that for the most part if you remain positive good things will always happen. Nobody likes negativity and when you are negative what do you attract? More negativity. Everything in life must progress or we will become stagnant and well, die. If you are positive in that progression and adapt then certainly good things will happen. I don’t know, that’s my take on it but not much has gone good for me lately but I am really trying! I think at the moment I am very confused as to where I want to be, I feel like I’m a young boy looking out at this big scary world and I really wish I knew where my place was. Is it wrong to be nearly 40 and have absolutely no clue what I want to do with the rest of my life? So many things have happened to me over the past 10 years. First of all the most important and influential person in my life was lost to cancer. To this day I have never experienced a feeling of total and utter helplessness as I did that day, and I hope that I never feel that way again. I still don’t know if I have ever properly grieved, sometimes when I think about my mother I still get numb. It’s not even the big things that my mother did for me that I miss the most. Sometimes I start thinking about the little things that she did, the way she would make a peanut butter sandwich or how she would wait up until god knows what hour some nights just to make sure I got home okay, or the late night talks about anything and everything; those are the things that I miss the most and cherish. That event basically gave way to a downward spiral of negative events in my life. I hit rock bottom a year and a half later, and finally my wife and son left, and for the first time in my life I was alone. I had never been alone, and what followed was a shock and deadness to my system that left me unable to feel anything. I didn’t care about anyone or even myself. I remember going to work some days and not even uttering a word to anyone, then I would go home to an empty house where I essentially existed, there was no living involved whatsoever. This went on for about two years. Two wasted years rebuilding and trying to figure out who I was, and who I wanted to become. I had to start over again and it was far from easy. It has taken a few years but I am slowly making progress as to where I want to be. Since I was married I have been in many relationships but nothing has ever panned out. I like to think that it was just never the right time but when I look back every one of those relationships was doomed to fail. Each relationship had a cloud of negativity looming over it. Even though I was never remotely close to ever being married again I think I chose to be in safe relationships that I knew subconsciously would never last, essentially I was sabotaging myself. I met an angel last spring and like most angels they must spread their wings and fly. I had one of the best summers of my life with that beautiful woman and without even realizing it I fell…..hard….it was never meant to be serious or long-term but sometimes when you get caught up in the sweet perfection of it all you find yourself losing an uphill battle as far as the heart is concerned. Have you ever stared into someone’s eyes and seen your future? Have you ever felt so happy just to be even text messaging someone that your friends ask why you are smiling like a freakin idiot? I am the last person in this world who has anything figured out whatsoever. I don’t know what is going to happen 30 seconds from now let alone months or years from now, what I do know is that very few people come into your life that can impact everything and turn your world upside down. She changed me, and even though we will never be together I think a small part of me will always love her. I don’t even know why I wrote this. Sometimes I feel like I’m going to explode with my feelings and I just have to get them down. I have been rebuilding for so long and I know that soon the sweet perfection that I once had will be in my life once again….but until then I wait….and dream…