'Once more unto the breach’ - I love this quote...it really sums up my newest foray into the world of online dating. After taking a self-imposed 2 year hiatus from the dating and relationship game, I decided it was time to take a chance again. Coming back from heartbreak is a long journey back. First I had to attempt to trust once again, to love myself. I had been cheated on in the past but I thought it would 'never happen to me,' not again....but it did and I was pretty devastated by the outcome. My resolve was decimated...I hated myself...I blamed myself for being so stupid...again. If you have ever read my blog or poetry you would see that I have, for the most part always led with my heart. I felt that thinking too much about love often resulted in skewed or misleading thoughts. The problem is...the heart, while true, can trick you into believing a falsity about someone else and clouding what may be a huge error in judgment. I guess we have all been fooled from time to time, but I had given all of myself to this particular person, and I was betrayed, in every way possible. I have taken advantage of the online dating scene in the past, but with little success...I have come away with a few genuine 'friendships' but nothing ever long-lasting in the relationship department.
I have been on a very well known dating site for just over a week now and have received a great amount of interest...probably more interest than I deserve...and I really try to get back to everyone that takes the time to read my profile and comment on my dating outlook and viewpoints. I have been out on 4 dates in this timeframe....of these women I felt a genuine connection with at least two of them...but for whatever reason they just did not feel the same about me...why?....well we would all love to know the answer to the question, 'why'....I guess the chemistry was not there....common goals were differing or non-existent...they may have been interested in someone else and just wanted to be sure...not attracted to me physically or mentally....no spark...these roadblocks are all part of the letdown I have been feeling for the last week. Resulting in utter confusion with a dash of heartbreak, since I really felt something could happen; and just general bewilderment at how difficult this whole dating thing was proving to be. I have so far likened my approach to dating as that mentally challenged kid in kindergarten who tries and tries again to fit that square peg into the round hole...if you step back you can actually see the misfit in me....I guess I am out of it, the dating scene has changed and I have also been dating more age appropriate women...the 40 plus crowd is really something...by this stage in life you have probably experienced much more of life and have seen behind 'the wizard's curtain,' so to speak..They have seen all the games and posturing and really just want to find that 'one'...but at the same time they are overly suspicious of intent.
These days first dates seem more like job interviews than a meeting to break the ice and discover chemistry and the possibility of a future relationship. I know I am not perfect, far from it...I have my flaws...I guess we all do...this past year I have really been taking care of myself physically, not to mention mentally..I am not looking for someone to transform my life...I am looking for someone to compliment my life...I am looking for someone who can understand and forgive my past and who looks to the future as a way to let go of all of the negative aspects and create something new and exciting....I will support them relentlessly in their endeavors..I will do my best to make everyday a great day...to smile through the raindrops...provide togetherness in the darkness....share myself in every way possible....be the best possible version of myself….communicate my innermost feelings….respect others opinions….and most importantly….love wholeheartedly….
Am I being too picky? Are they being too picky? Am I better off alone? Do I reveal too much, too soon? Am I destined to be alone? These questions keep me up at night….whenever I try and talk to people about these issues I usually get the response, ‘there is someone out there for everyone.’ What if this is not the case. I learned from watching my parents that relationships take a lot of hard work. The glue of understanding, trust, respect and communication are the most important building blocks in virtually every relationship we will ever be in. Online dating can be compared to a Las Vegas buffet. Too many great choices, so what happens is we end up circling the buffet table unable to come to a decision. I really try and trust my instincts, draw on past experience, and leave myself open to new possibilities….but I do know what I want in a prospective mate at the end of the day. I want someone who is relentless in their pursuit of understanding of this screwed up world. Someone who looks beyond what is standing right in front of them, someone who seeks truth and justice. Someone who will not fold and run at the first whiff of trouble or conflict and will work towards a common understanding; even if they do not agree with all of my viewpoints on life. Relationships are all about compromise, it is never, my way or the highway, it is two acting as one. I feel like there are too many choices on dating web sites, on at least two of my dates I felt like I was competing with someone else. I felt like they had already made a decision on our future, or lack thereof, even before they got a chance to really get to know me. I have sort of felt helpless wielding a gun with no ammunition, on a battlefield of love.
So where do I go from here? My options are limited, I do not do the bar scene, I do not work with any females, not that I would date anyone I work with; and most of my friends are married or have moved away. I am far from desperate, but at the same time I feel ready. That is the most frustrating part. I am ready, but I am unable to find….her. I am prepared to be amazed. I am prepared to face the challenges of a relationship head on, I am not one to quit or admit defeat but my frustration is building. I guess you can’t force someone to feel, I just feel that given so many choices so many avenues to meet people the work and dedication needed for success seems to have fallen by the wayside. We want the easiest route without any conflict. Most of us have GPS in our vehicles as a way to avoid traffic backups and to take the fastest possible route to our destination; but along the way we miss out on a lot of interesting little towns with unlimited character and charm. We live in a single serve throw away world where we often forget to stop and smell the roses and take the time to absorb the wonderful world around us bursting with colour and opportunity. We are constantly distracted by the next best thing; when the best choice for ourselves may have been sitting right in front of us the whole time. Good luck in your search…
