Chemistry Class

Have you ever felt like you were on the precipice of greatness? There is this sickening of the heart that seems to accompany this feeling when you are rewarded with a glimpse into your future. Some are frightened by it, and then there are those who embrace it. I feel like I have a 6^th sense when it comes to detecting disturbances in the natural progression of my relationship life. I am very sensitive, an open book, so to speak, and I love communication. I know I am ready and able to pursue happiness with another. I don’t consider myself desperate but it feels terrible to be alone when you know in your heart that you have so much to share and love to give.

So what do you do when the relationship is moving too fast? Do you step back and re-evaluate, which can often end up skewing your judgment when you over-analyze things; or do you continue at a seemingly unnatural pace and let the cards fall where they may. Sometimes things are just not worth fighting for, but when your heart skips a beat at the first sight of someone, and their touch produces a tingling that envelopes your entire body…then, in my opinion…you pursue it…relentlessly…

Chemistry is very rare….so it seems…throwing it away too hastily could prove to be a huge error in judgment, when really, all that was needed was a little bit of communication to evaluate the direction, intensity and overall comfort level. My feelings often leave me with a sense of being overwhelmed, sometimes I feel like I feel too much. But I guess I don’t know any other way…I follow my heart. 

Dating is tough…especially online…I often hear how unnatural it is, and to an extent I agree. We come from a generation of face to face talks and handshakes. We have evolved into a digital age where we find ourselves attracted to a pixelated image of the opposite sex, and often times base our feelings on a false illusion of another. That first meeting either removes all doubt or completely shuts down any chance of further communication. I guess I have seen both sides of this anomaly. Often times it is quite painful when one party feels differently and you have built up your expectations so greatly that there is really no choice but to collapse. 

I have many flaws, I know…..physical ones even…I do not have perfect teeth (I hold 3 martial arts belts from my younger days and sometimes you get kicked in the mouth)…and I’m sure there are many others…..but I don’t feel my judgment or heart is flawed in any way. It is the only thing that remains honest and true.

Midas

We do brakes..... So ironic....Because just bubbling beneath the surface I could see that sensual, open, playful, heart-skipping-a-beat...Lynne...not revealed to me, in essence...but, it was there....I saw it...I was looking forward to feeling your upbeat 'tigger' alter-ego, jump all over me at 7am in an excited attempt to share and praise the morning, with me...though all it would have took was that beaming smile....radiant charm...I'll never know...

Sitting in the car...7:05pm..Nervous...concerned about my breath, am I sweating too much?....is she going to notice I resemble a jack-o-lantern? Do I look 50? ....the build-up brought me to this place.....brought US to this place...2 week’s worth of something that has eluded me for such a long time....this was the full package....I already knew...and then something changed, with you...I didn't realize it at first because I remained very hopeful of what had so far transpired. 'I'm not nervous at all'....came the text...the dynamic had changed...the spark was gone...I just didn't know it yet....why did you have to second guess yourself and your feelings? you retreated inside of your brain to battle your insecurities...took yourself out of the moment and killed any potential chemistry....just one kiss, that's all I needed...I'm sorry

This was actually the second time communication had occurred between us...it was agreed the first time that the 35 km of distance was just too much...but wow...she was stunning, beautiful...time past...'meetings' ...occurred...that pursuit towards the total  package continued to occur, but...nothing...3rd time the charm?...those eyes....my BBM GF had excised me from her life...KMN

Things I learnt, this time around, but should already have known....

Chemistry sucks, especially with only a half completed equation....

You only get 3 seconds...this is what I'm told...I fell for her long before that...she never even knew it...

Singing Hedley...acapella...badly.... will not get you the girl...

Give a girl a pedometer...she is sure to walk away...every time...

No matter how strong your feelings are...they are all for naught if it is not reciprocal...

I can write all the blogs I want and send all the heartfelt messages I want...it won't change her heart....or make her think about what she is passing by...

Things I noticed, that don't matter now, I guess..

Deep purple cotton shirt with a plunging neckline, black light cotton ribbed sweater, white silk scarf with red and blue print, dark blue jeans, very tight and hot...black knee high boots...deep chocolate brown eyes that sparkle when you laugh, long slender well-manicured fingers, kissable lips, a beautiful voice that melted my heart...

When she hugged me, I felt like I was struck by lightning....

When she looked at me, I could feel it in my toes...

Sexiest bellybutton...ever...

Things that I'll miss..And regret won't happen again...or at all

Scrabble...still waiting for my rematch...

Hearing your voice...

Our daily BBM interactions, that slowly took over our lives...

Dreaming of a future with you, and looking forward to changes...

Missing sleep to talk on the phone with you...

Smiling at my phone...

Not getting a chance to kiss you...

Being able to call you a pet name...

Holding your hand and kissing your forehead...

Running my hands down your waist and kissing you deeply...

Sometimes I feel like I build up my expectations and anticipation so much that there is no other alternative than to fail...I felt really differently this time, as if everything had finally fallen into place. Maybe the third time will be the charm. Different places and times can mix up the norm and allow for new chemistry to occur. I got to get through this day somehow....

Inspired ACTION

Inspiration comes in many forms. To feel inspired renews one in a way that can only lead to positive changes and a renewed outlook on life. A fresh start often gives us the hope we need to step into an abyss where often every road can lead to pain, conflict and ultimately failure to the realization of a long lost dream. Recently I realized that to be truly happy in this life I must relentlessly pursue a long lost dream, something that has eluded me, but has always been at the back of my mind, policing. 

Late last year I had the unique opportunity to meet Sergeant Jay Turner of the Hamilton Police Service, he is just one of the many proud and unwavering front line police officers in the fair city of Hamilton, Ontario. He heads up Action Team 4, just one of 5 teams in the Hamilton downtown core who patrol the city on bicycles and foot. Their purpose is to engage and interact with citizens who would otherwise have no avenue to speaking with and voicing real concerns in fledgling communities within the inner city. They quell crime and address trends within these communities. Their success can easily be seen in monthly crime statistics in these troublesome areas of the city. I must confess I looked up to Jay long before I ever met him, he is the epitome of respect within a battleground of negativity and can often be found on Twitter fielding questions and concerns from citizens and leaders within the city and beyond. It doesn't matter if he has answered the question infinite times before; his dedication to his followers is really unprecedented within a service that often can be deemed secretive and paramilitary in nature. It is quite refreshing to see the human aspect of policing in his daily tweets. I for one appreciate his candor and sense of humour and often feel cheated when I miss a day of his interactions. When I met Jay I had the opportunity ride back into the core with him and speak one-on-one. We spoke of policing and just life in general, while we rode you could easily see the respect he garnered within the community, waves and gestures from the sidewalk ilk and while we rode side by side not one car honked in anger as we took up the curb lane on busy Main street West. It will be a day that I will never forget and really took me back to the days of my college education where I had the opportunity to complete 100 hours of ride along with the Hamilton Police Service. These days my reasons for pursuing a career in policing are much different than when I was much younger. I have lived a lot of life since then; I have worn many different hats, experienced loss, insurmountable negativity and a long painful road back to happiness and understanding. Often times it takes awhile to realize our place and calling in life; I guess I have been standing on the sidelines waiting for my shot in the game. I genuinely feel that I can make a difference in Hamilton, a listening ear, and a firm hand to squash the ire of negativity within our community. 

This October I will have the opportunity to attend Citizen’s Police College, an information course conducted by the Hamilton Police Service to provide valuable information with regards to the inner workings and departments within the service. It has been years since I have been in school so it should be quite interesting to experience and learn just what is new and ultimately come away with a better understanding of my goal. This past year I have been preparing myself physically and mentally for what is certain to be a very arduous and competitive process. My goal is to begin the application procedure in the spring or early summer of 2013. I have much to attain before I can begin; for one I must start volunteering, something I have never really done for the long term and finding the time for this will be a challenge in itself but it’s really just a case of better time management on my part. Where I will volunteer is another issue. Teens really seem to respond to me in a positive way and I hope to find a place within an outreach center or group home. I want to learn a second language, the Italian culture has always been of interest to me so I hope to get started in a course to learn the language and show my commitment to ongoing betterment and education. I really hope to avoid overwhelming myself as I do not have a huge support system so most of what I will accomplish in the next year will take a commitment from within. I know it’s going to be difficult but if I truly believe in myself and my capabilities I know I can achieve a goal that has thus far eluded me my entire life. 

I would just like to thank Jay for his inspiration, and even though I know he will accept zero credit for it he should realize just how many lives he touches on a daily basis within the community, whether he wishes to acknowledge it or not.