Stuff

 Continuously fighting an uphill battle is really beginning to wear on my resolve and psyche. I don't know why I insist on holding on, when the hand I wish to hold has gone cold and vacant. I keep asking myself why, but the answers never come to me....let go....I tell myself...but I can't. I refuse to....The worst part of all of this is that we were planning things. I could see a future with you and I guess I got caught up in it....but so did you...and your backpedaling really leaves me confused with very little information to go on. I just don't understand what went so horribly wrong that afternoon that you felt you needed to run. I left there happy and excited for the weekend. I thought you were happy too....you told me you were....one last kiss...one last hug...when I got home the dynamic had changed a bit....you voiced concern...but I just thought it was a blip on the radar....communication waned...I was getting worried....then came your message on Friday morning.......I had just gotten settled into work...the department co-ordinator walked in....you sent me a message....I quickly read it....key words....'trying to find the words'....'wanted to try and get over it'.....'scared me'....'too quickly'....'I'm sorry'....reeling and confused I have to muster every ounce of strength to not burst into tears....my colleague spoke to me for roughly 20 minutes....I still don't know what he told me....my mind was trying to process...it's still processing even now....

'I'm so glad you contacted me,' you exclaimed...more than once...in fact, multiple times....but you didn't realize that a fire burned inside of me...unbeknownst to me you were compiling a list of faults...'what are you thinking?'....'I'm just looking '....did my physical imperfections become so daunting that you could not allow yourself to lose control? It hurts my heart that you ran away so easily when we had enough smoldering heat to ignite a raging inferno. Commonalities, chemistry, communication...we had all the building blocks of success......but you got scared...feared for my feelings....even though I was just alluding to the future when I shared with you that I was going to fall hard for you, and to be prepared. When you let yourself go I could see the hunger inside of you, the passion, and the thirst. But you chose to run for your life. I feel like I want to pursue you but I fear I'd just be chasing the wind. You have already made up your mind and shared that you, 'can't change the way you feel'....but is this forever?....or are you battling something within your head and heart?.....Do you remember our first kiss?....'Can I give you a kiss?'....'yes'....those soft glistening lips...those big beautiful chestnut brown eyes...sparkling in the amber parking lot lights...electric....'Yes'....that felt amazing...I felt like I was home in your arms. I felt like I was looking into my future when I gazed into your eyes...intense. Losing myself in an embrace...'where am I?'...but you chose to run....scared....so confused....how do I move on from this?....it feels more uncertain than final...

In a previous blog I alluded to my frustration at finding the 'one', it took me approximately 6 months to find someone with whom I shared a mutual connection. 6 months....I can tell you in that time I was out with many different women from all over the area. But this time I felt like I had finally found the diamond in the rough that I had been seeking for so long. I am as close to happiness as I have ever been. I was excited at the prospect of beginning my life....I feel like I have been running in circles for so long and then I found myself wanting nothing more than to run to you. I still think about so many things we talked about and the excitement of doing things together. Smiles, hugs, kiss and just knowing someone who cared about me was there. Now I have nothing...I wonder if you think about me, if you miss me like I miss you....if you long for my touch or a kiss.

....I could alleviate your fears...

I could wipe away your tears...

I could hold you so tight,

that the world would slip away....

And I would ensure your happiness each,

and every day.....

I woke up at 3am....on the dot...as I always do; I reached for my phone, if just to see your face. But...you are gone....again...deleted me without explanation.....I can only imagine that I was pressuring you too much to see me. When you re-added me....I was very excited....I thought...maybe this can have a chance...we spoke once...it felt natural and I really felt like you were thinking things over...processing...this past week, I felt at times I was breaking down your barrier and you were opening up at times to me....but other times you were cold and distant...I could sense it...feeling like I was doing something wrong when just asking about your day or greeting you a good morning, or just saying good night....I guess it was wearing on you much more than I had anticipated...if I had known there was the potential for you to delete me from your life again, perhaps I would have played my cards differently....in our conversation I really did avoid asking you questions that would make you feel uncomfortable or push you away. I guess I should have done the same on BBM. The question that begs to be asked is......why?...are you just not ready?.....is there someone else?....I've tried so hard with you, Ali....but only because it was all there...and at a time...reciprocal....but now you are on the run again...running from me....I keep wondering what you are holding back...and I keep asking myself why I want it so badly. You are like a drug to me...I'm addicted...I just want to kiss you again...hold you...but I guess you don't want me anymore...like I said on the phone....I don’t feel hurt more than I feel confusion...confused as to why you would throw this away....The morning after we spoke on the phone you sent me a message asking if you could read the other things I had written. Right away I thought that was a good sign but I was also fearful....we communicated very well that day....I wanted to talk on the phone that night...but you shut me down...I was a bit confused but I believe your explanations even if they aren’t detailed...I trust you, fully...I trust that you are genuinely thinking things over...so when you told me you wanted to see more of my writing my first feeling was fear....fear, because it was my feelings that ultimately drove you away the first time. Now you wanted to hear them?...it confused me a bit...but in a good way because I thought you were trying to move forward....together...then my feelings got the best of me again....but I allowed them to....I'm sorry....again...I have to express myself Ali....I guess I didn’t consider my audience...but here I am...at 3:52 in the morning rattling off useless feelings and thoughts...to nobody...so now what?....I guess you will reply to my message...whenever you get it...and then tell me that this is not for you, and good luck in my search...is this the form letter?....I have heard all of this in the past...but rightly so...for a host of reasons...but this time.....it was different....sooooo different....

When I read this manifesto of feelings and emotions, I feel like I’m riding a roller coaster....never knowing when it is going to crash and burn...I really wish I knew what you were battling...if it is just us or there are other issues that have presented themselves...I at times felt you weren’t yourself...or at least not the 'self' that I had met and spent time with....fun, excited, happy for the future....there have been times I felt like you were conflicted in other aspects of your life...but I couldn't put a finger on it....you let me in on very little of your life this past week....I've been trying to walk on eggshells, but it turns out I couldn't even do that right....you cannot deny our chemistry...and that alone was enough for me...it was just a bonus that you turned out to be beautiful, intelligent, engaging, charismatic, funny, warm....holding your hands at Tin Cup, I could feel the energy between us...there was no denying it...I thirst for that again...I miss you, Ali…